I wanted to be open and honest with all of you, as I have been. I do not know how much longer I can keep up with this blog. Typing has become challenging with only one hand, and now that it shakes and is weak, typing is hard for me.
My health is declining. I am still awaiting to have another MRI to see if the whole brain radiation worked or not. The MRI should be within the next 2-3 weeks. Part of me knows it didn’t work. I have bad neuropathy in my toes which is only a side effect of the brain tumors; My right eye is closed more than my left which it never was, and it hinders my vision when I am reading; my head feels full and heavy and I get sharp pains frequently in the areas that I know tumors are. I have a lot of weakness in my legs and walking is difficult. My balance is off and my legs are shaky. My right arm has become even more numb with a big increase of pins and needles in my hand and fingers.
I am unable to do much anymore. My days are spent on the couch since I can no longer drive, and walking for any distance isn’t a reality. I am not telling you this for pity. I tell you this because part of my journey when starting this blog last year, was to be honest about my life with breast cancer, and what I would be going through.
I don’t eat much anymore because I either have no appetite, or I am nauseated too much to eat. The nausea meds don’t work anymore. The fatigue is debilitating. I fall asleep constantly and feel tired all the time. I feel like jelly inside, and dead.
Emotionally I have good days and bad days. I’m afraid although my faith is keeping me strong. My worries are for my three girls and my husband. I don’t want to leave them. My youngest who is just 14, is especially sensitive and is constantly telling me to not leave her, and how she can’t lose me. It kills me. What do I say? How do you answer that? I think she’s beginning to accept that I am not going to see 80, because the other night she asked me to always be with her even after I die. I told her I’d find a way to be with her always until she was an old lady and ready to come see me in heaven. Things like this leave me empty and in tears, but then I pray and I am comforted and my strength is renewed.
OK so there will be some changes on the blog I want to make everyone aware of. I am no longer going to do book reviews other than possibly a book I read. I may not post as much as it depends on the shaking in my hand. I will let you know as long as I can.
If the tumors have not responded to the radiation, there is nothing left to do. I don’t know what the effects or what the progression will be. I have been told I could have seizures, strokes, confusion, loss of hearing, and loss of speach. If I reach the point that I can no longer type or communicate, My oldest daughter will keep you update on what is happening and will let you know when I pass.
I ask for your prayers. I remain hopeful there will be a iracle and I go into remission for a long time. Thank you for your support and kind words. xo